Author: trustmeimadoctormom

How is it mid-April already? We have been doing long weekend trips while it’s still ‘easy’ with the three of us and it has been wonderful!

Last weekend, we went to Mammoth Lakes, CA. I used to snowboard back in the day- back when I didn’t have a herniated disc, back when I wasn’t pregnant and back when I didn’t have a little 2yo little BFF glued to me.

I packed for Jacob and me on Thursday because I had to work all day Friday. I left a checklist of things for Jeff to bring when he picked me up after work. I knew it’d be a challenge to do all the things he needed to do (pack skis, get the car ready) while keeping an eye on and entertaining Jacob.  He left out a few essentials- Jacob’s taggies, nighttime sound machine, Ergo carrier. I don’t think that missing those items were what contributed to Jacob’s wacky/lack of sleep schedule.

It rained all night Friday night and Saturday day.  Weather was cool, upper 40-50s at night and sunny upper 50s.  Jacob and I played at the Village, rode the gondola, oh and he had his Top 2 tantrums EVER thus far in our lives there. Oh yes, the first one was because he wanted to keep drinking coconut water instead of leaving the hotel room. He rolled around the ground, kicked the ground, cried, screamed, was not open to any reasoning whatsoever. Luckily we were in our own little cabin separate from the rest of the public. His tantrums could’ve stirred up an avalanche.

The next tantrum was because he wanted a coconut water box when I had already purchased a coconut water bottle. He was SO pissed.  I had to carry him out of the store, try to carry a kicking/crying/screaming child to the tantrum. With my back issues, emerging belly and sherpa status (carrying diaper bags, etc.), I couldn’t carry him for very long/far. When I put him down, he ran back to the store! People were staring at me like I was trying to kidnap him.  This was my first public tantrum. I got him into the gondola where the tantrum continued- he tried to kick the door, he rolled around on the ground (dirty ground!), hit the door. I had to grab him and remind him that the gondola was moving and tried to hug him tight and keep him safe.

Twenty plus minutes later, he calmed down in the gondola. He put his head on my shoulder and was quiet the rest of the gondola ride up.  My mind went a mile a minute- what happened to the all the notes I took from ‘How to Talk to Little Kids,’ how can I be so impatient, will Jacob hate me forever, should I have just bought the coconut water box, how am I going to handle 2 kids and years of tantrums, etc.  Jacob seemed to forget all about the tantrum when we got to the top but it still weighed on my conscience. What about this gentle parenting I wanted to do? Will his tantrums get worse with age? I wanted to cry…  Sigh. Parenting is so hard. Saying no is hard.

I ate my way through Mammoth since there wasn’t much else to do for me. It was cold enough to remind me to be thankful we lived in sunny San Diego!!!

I had a short work week before we left for Catalina Island. I’ve lived in SD for 8 years but have never been there. I couldn’t believe what a cute little town it was. It reminded us a little bit about Positano and the south coast of Italy- a small town, harbor with lots of boats, lots of seafood restaurants, cute shops, tourists galore.   The food and scenery wasn’t the same but we had a great time. Jacob had fun at the beach, enjoyed the open air and driving around town in a golf cart sans car seat.   We survived the weekend without any serious tantrums. Hallelujah!

Now, he is back to sleeping in his own bed. As much as I enjoy cuddling with him, I am looking forward to a night without getting kicked in the face.

How do you deal with toddler tantrums? How can you decrease the tantrum durations? I pray these tantrums get better!!!

Said no one ever. This is a long post, I apologize.

A month or two ago, I noticed a few small nodules in my left axilla (armpit) while doing a self-exam in the shower.  This happened with my first pregnancy and was told then that these were normal lymph nodes that are common in pregnancy.  I also am well aware that many women also get diagnosed with breast cancer more frequently due to the increase in estrogen from pregnancy hormones.

I am a few years older and had a few more nodules compared to the last time.  My OB ordered a left breast ultrasound at the fancy breast center on campus.  The only available appointment was almost a month after my visit.  Then shortly after my visit with the OB, I felt a very small but noticeable small nodule in my right axilla. Now I was freaking out!  I talked with my OB who then ordered bilateral ultrasounds.

Trying to get out of work to make appointments in the middle of the afternoon is stressful. The latest possible time was 2:30pm with a check-in time of 2:10. Yeah right, who’s going to show up at 2:10 to check in? I’d be lucky to make it on time to the appointment! I was 4th out of 5 people scheduled that day.  I had asked the 5th/5 person to trade with me but he also had made an appointment for that afternoon. It looked like a light enough day but things never go according to plan when you have an appointment.

I stalked the computer all day for possible add-ons, to see when the other cases were starting and finishing, etc. I really wanted to make this appointment! I even asked the charge nurse to please try to hold off on calling me unless it was a serious emergency because there was a very important appointment I needed to make (they all knew I was pregnant).

My scheduled cases went as planned (whew!) and no add-ons for anyone yet (YES!) and I book to the appointment and arrived earlier than the requested check-in time. I fill out paperwork, sit in a nice fancy lobby with a handful of women of diverse ages (no one pregnant) and get called to registration to present my ID/insurance card, verify the procedure I’m getting done.

The nice somewhat elderly receptionist says I’m here for a left breast ultrasound. I respond, I’m here for a bilateral exam.  She says she doesn’t see it in the computer (no EPIC yet) but somehow finds it. She says something like I’ll have to verify if you can have the procedure done today because today you’re only scheduled for the Left. She gets up and leaves and says she’ll be back.

Nice receptionist: You’re going to have to reschedule because they have to go with the updated order of bilateral ultrasound and they didn’t schedule enough time for both sides today.

Me: Is there any way I can at least do the left side and reschedule for the right? It’s very hard for me to schedule appointments because of my work schedule.

NR: I’m sorry we can’t do that because we can only go by the updated order.

Me: (As I’m getting supremely red in the face and starting to get hot/bothered because I knew my schedule the next few weeks was going to be really hard).  I have had these nodes for the last few months, I just found a bigger node yesterday and I have been waiting a month for this ultrasound and it has very stressful. And I started to tear up.

As this is going on, I am well aware there is NO privacy in this lobby/reception area and everyone could hear my business. But I did not care!

NR gets up and says, Let me see what I can do. And I apologize and blame my hormones and she pats me on the back.

She comes back a few minutes later with another lady. She brings me around the corner where there are some chairs and she tells me the same thing, that there’s a time slot at 9:30am on Thursday for me to get my bilateral ultrasound.  I knew, for sure, this Thursday would not work and especially at 9:30am!?!  So I tell her again, as a physician it is very hard for me to schedule appointments at these early times, I’ve been waiting a month for this exam and please is there any way someone could squeeze me in? I’ll wait here until the end of the day!  Her facial expression doesn’t give me any hope but she says she’ll ask.

She comes back and Hallelujah! They’re going to squeeze me in! She shows me to the back where I can change, put my stuff and where the nice fancy lounge with tea is and I’m called shortly thereafter for my ultrasound!!!

While I’m changing into my lovely pink robe, I’m beginning to feel slightly guilty that I cried and made a fuss about getting seen. HTH do patients schedule appointments? Do they work? What do they do about their jobs? Everyone here had to do something to get there so what makes me special? Everyone is stressed about getting a test done for possible cancer or check-ups from cancer!

The ultrasound tech is a nice young happy woman and we’re chatting while she scans my right and left axilla.  She says they look like normal lymph nodes. I trust her as I’m sure she’s seen a lot of normal/abnormal exams but I was going to keep my expectations low until I heard from the doctor/person who reads the ultrasound. Who reads the exams anyway? How long would I have to wait? A few more weeks? The tech says, Let me show these images to the radiologist to see if the images are good enough, I’ll be right back.

Next thing I know, the radiologist comes in, introduces himself and tells me my little masses are all normal lymph nodes! I then say ‘People in medicine make the worst patients’ and I told him I’m an anesthesiologist and we chatted and laughed about how doctors make the worst patients. I said, “I even cried in front because of this built-up stress.” He laughed and replied, “I heard,” but it seemed like they thought it was funny.

As I left, I gave the nice receptionist a hug and apologized again for my emotions. She smiled and seemed happy for me… happy that I was leaving!

I was that patient.  All this stress about what these nodules could be, with a baby on the way and worry about our futures, stress about making this appointment, getting in ‘trouble’ with my peers if an emergency/add-on case came in, potentially having to wait another month with the unknown? I knew my tears were not only because of the pregnancy hormones.   I almost walked out of there with nothing but my anger and frustration.

As I drove home, I  felt torn/guilty about what had transcribed in the past hour. Was it my tears? Was it the professional courtesy?  What if I had been a 70-year-old patient who needed to coordinate a ride from an assisted living or nursing home? A lot of ‘What ifs’ ran through my mind and I realized, I am not a good patient.  I was very thankful I was seen that day and felt more empathy for patients. I vowed to try to be a more patient patient and doctor.

I came home to a napping Jacob and was able to take a nap as well.  Oh how I love naps. I woke up to my happy toddler and gave him a big fat hug. We played, watched a movie and enjoyed a nice mandoo (Korean dumplings) dinner.

Thanks for reading to the end!  Have you ever had any encounters with patients like me? Or been one of those patients yourself? What did you do/say in these circumstances?

I have a little anxiety when it comes to Easter season. Growing up in a hardcore Catholic household, Lent was a 40-day period of sacrifice, prayer and reflection. Every Friday, my family went to a nearby retreat center/church for Stations of the Cross. In the suburbs of Chicago, it was cold, so rain or snow, we were there. It was nice to be outdoors, sometimes we’d see deer running. Then Holy Week, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday we were at church. Good Friday was a day of mourning. We couldn’t go out anywhere to do anything fun, of course, no meat was a given.  Saturday day, we’d be painting eggs and making Easter baskets for Sunday church fundraising.  Saturday night was Easter Vigil mass and it was HOURS of mass. The choir sang EVERYTHING they possibly could, every verse, and intentionally slower and drawn out so the choir and soloists could do their thing.   And Sunday, hooray, Easter Sunday mass was about an hour, we could be happy and celebrate that Jesus has Risen! and we could eat candy and hard-boiled eggs!

Fast forward a handful of years later when I have my now 2-year-old and Catholic-converted husband. I keep Lent close to heart and I love/celebrate Easter! It was my grandmother’s favorite holiday.   Easter egg hunts and Easter bunny photos were not in my radar at all until social media and shared photos from friends ‘pressured’ me to do this for my son.

I was off on Tuesday so I had planned to go to the Easter bunny photos. This place had no line when it came to Easter Bunny and Santa photos so I was hoping this would be the case again. Nope, there was a 30-minute line and I was contemplating leaving, but the only reason I stayed was to get validated parking.  Why pay full price for parking? Heck no!

As I waited impatiently in line, I thought, why am I subjecting Jacob to this? Who cares about pictures with an Easter Bunny. I’m definitely not going to do this next year? And why am I subjecting myself to this? I’m hungry and I hate waiting in line. And $25 for 2 5×7, 2 4×6 + 4 wallets, or $40 for a combo, etc. If you know me, you know I’m the WORST at waiting. I don’t understand how people wait in line for food (e.g., brunch on the weekends), Starbucks at the airport. But then I thought, next year there will be 2 kiddos so it’d be super cute!

Jacob was great while waiting- he snacked on Anne’s bunnies and milk. He was calm and cool as we walked up the stairs to our turn. I coached him for the last several minutes reminding him our turn was next to see the Easter Bunny, we  were going to take e a few pictures, no problem!  Right when I put him on the armrest, oh man!!! Things got ugly real fast! Uh oh, I was that mom and kid!! Then they gave me some treats to bribe him with, that didn’t work. Finally they said, maybe you can sit with him. Oh heck no, I said, I was  not prepared at all for pictures!!! I had no make up on, was going to get a haircut after this photo session… ARGH! This was not ideal!  Jacob dislikes getting pictures taken as much as I do! I sucked it up and sat with him. At the end of the photo session, Mr. Easter Bunny said I was beautiful. Awww, thanks!!!

We did an Easter egg hunt at the neighborhood park yesterday. Boy, was it a madhouse! Lots of kiddos and not enough space. They started the hunt early and it lasted probably a few minutes. Jacob got a few eggs but was more interested in playing at the playground (similar to last year).  Today, the family went to church and had brunch to follow (of course, we made a reservation!).

Jacob is napping and I’m about to catch a few ZZZs myself. What funny Easter egg hunt/Bunny photo stories do you and your families have?

I hope everyone has a lovely Easter Sunday!

I left my home group/hospital last January so I could join the ‘outpatient’ group where I could make my own schedule and not take call, weeknights, overnights. It has been working very well this past year and I could not be happier.

Unfortunately, today, was not one of those days. I left for work at 6:30am and Jacob was asleep. As I was finishing my case and looking at the clock, I knew I wasn’t going to make it home before his bedtime. I left at 8:30pm and cried on the drive home. It’s not easy to drive home with tears clouding your vision. I had to pull it together but tears still streamed down my face.   I got home at 9pm and Jacob was fast asleep.

Rationally, I knew I spent most of my day with Jacob yesterday. I also knew that in over a year, I’ve missed Jacob’s bedtime less than five times.  My husband has missed his bedtime several times and he doesn’t come home grumpy and in tears. I tried to check my emotions but I can blame it on hunger, dehydration, hormones and just my usual self.

Speaking of my usual self, I peeked in the nanny/security cam to see what Jacob was up to. When I saw him at 6pm, he was standing in front of the TV watching a show I had never seen before and the nanny was sitting at the dining table folding laundry. I watched/listened for a few minutes (seemed like hours) and she sat there, he stood there and all I heard was TV. I texted her to remind her to please engage with him and if she’s doing things like fold laundry (which I appreciate), please be near him so he’s not by himself. I didn’t want to outrightly say ‘please don’t have the TV babysit him so you can do chores’ though that’s what I meant!

Jeff reminded me.. that she worked a 12+ hour day and that when he saw him and the nanny playing earlier, she was playing with him and Jacob was all smiles. Sigh. So I sent an apology text and said I appreciated her hard work and am aware she cares for Jacob and does her best with him.  I acted quickly out of frustration and emotion. Can I blame the hormones again?  I’m not sure…

I came home, ate a lot because I was hungry.. salad, rotisserie chicken, rice/soy sauce/sesame seed oil and seaweed. I’m catching up on ‘The Voice’ and staring at the baby monitor. I shouldn’t complain about my work situation and missing one day/night of Jacob’s day. How do you working mamas/dads help yourself feel better when you miss your kids all day?

I used to think I was the Queen of Multi-Tasking- I’d have multiple windows and tabs open, researching/buying different things, I could work on my laptop, iphone and watch TV and be able to focus and remember everything that was going on in front of me. That all went out the window a while ago but has definitely become a more acute issue recently.

Example 1: Last November, I was supposed to buy airline tickets to Hawaii for my husband’s birthday vacation trip.  Around December, when I found out a friend was going to be in Hawaii at the same time, I started looking through my email to find our flight itinerary to compare times. I could not find that email anywhere. Jeff said it wasn’t in his email. Finally after a phone call to the airlines, it confirmed that there was no purchases itinerary. Looking back, I can remember where I was, trying to get dinner ready and trying to hurriedly buy these tickets at the amazing price they were at.  I vaguely also remember not having filled in any passenger information or credit card. DOH! Thankfully the tickets were not too much more expensive or else we would’ve ended up with a staycation!

Example 2:  With my smells aversion, I wanted to buy some new Bath & Body Works hand soap.  They’re always on sale and I was excited to buy these new Luxe soaps and try some new scents.  I didn’t want to pay extra for expedited shipping so I waited patiently. Then 2 weeks go by and there’s still no soap, no email saying the items have been shipped, nothing.  Again, I had to call B&BW and found out that there was no order confirmation. DOH! Not again! I was running low on soap and was going by bar soap! So, I quickly ordered some more soap and hit ‘Confirm Order’.

Hm, where should I run off to next?

Contemplating life

Is there such a thing as pregnancy brain? Is that what it is? Is it fatigue? overstimulation?   Is it because nowadays these online retails make you ‘Confirm the order now’ after you already input your credit card info? Sigh! I need to slow down and stop pretending that I can multi-task the way I used to.

This past weekend, my cousin, Steve, his wife and their 2.5-year-old daughter, Emma came to visit San Diego and us.  I was super excited to see them because I haven’t hung out with Steve in probably 20 years or so!  We had a blast.  We ate on the veranda, went to Liberty Station, explored the Safari Park and hiked Torrey Pines.  Jacob and Emma first met when they were almost 1.5 and 2 in Chicago for my grandmother’s funeral/wake.  They weren’t really too interested in each other or playing together then. This time was different- they would call out for each other, hug, hold hands, play together. Sharing is going to take a little bit of work but I hear that will come with time.

Emma is the sweetest gal in the world. She is light years ahead of Jacob – she is potty trained, can speak in full sentences, knows the words to several songs and can sing, can speak Spanish and Korean, listens to her parents… just as sweet as sweet can be!

Hanging out with Emma and Jacob made me realize that perhaps having 2 kids wouldn’t be so bad! And having a daughter seems fun. Of course, Emma is a result of Steve and Emma’s cool and awesome genes and their amazing parenting.  And that’s also skipping ahead of the newborn/4th trimester, sleep training, teething, etc. stages.

I fear/ed having a daughter to some degree. My mom is a no-nonsense, non-traditional kind of woman and grew up in a conservative, non-Disney influenced environment.  I worry about the influence of Disney princesses and social/peer pressures.  However, I realize, I need to trust in our family and work to raise a self-confident, well-adjusted daughter AND son who can balance and overcome these pressures.

We’ll find out the sex of the baby at delivery! Everyone is convinced and praying for a girl to join our family!  I loved seeing my family and wish we could live closer.  Did any of you have fears/apprehension about having a son or daughter?  Everyone thinks Dos is going to be a girl. And I’m beginning to tell myself, a daughter wouldn’t be so bad!

I worked 5 days in a row this week. That doesn’t seem like a normal thing for most people but I am exhausted! When did I become such a lightweight with work? It could be the time change combined with Jacob waking i at 11:30pm and wanting to snuggle as well. He is a great cuddler but he also moves a lot and I wake up when he moves so I can make sure he isn’t going to fall off the bed.

Last January, I left my home hospital to join the ‘Outpatient’ pool which means I don’t have a primary hospital to which I’m scheduled with calls, weekends, late nights. I make my own schedule and thankfully found steady work for almost a year.

This week was busy and I had ‘full’ days. I also had meetings and appointments to try to get to that were stressful. Monday was a work meeting at 6pm, Tuesday was Jacob’s 2 year physical, Thursday was an eyelash appointment and Friday was an OB appointment.

I made all the appointments this week- woohoo!!! and Jacob acted his usual happy-go-lucky self despite his cold. No fevers, slight cough, eating, peeing and pooping his usual self.

These next few weeks will also have some full 5-day work weeks. How did I manage before? Previously, there were some days I’d be off since I worked late the day before. It’s nice to have weekdays off to run errands without dealing with the weekend traffic!

Happy St. Patrick’s Day, by the way! I don’t usually celebrate this holiday but I know some people do!  You all can have a shot of whiskey and drink some green beer for me!  Have a great weekend, everyone!!!

This past week was spent recovering from a  week of ‘vacation’ with my parents.  Unfortunately, late days of work kept me pretty distracted.  Jeff was in Vail for the week with his friends and my parents, Jacob and I got a week of eating lots of Korean food, taking naps and watching Korean videos/movies. I hadn’t spent that much relaxed time with my parents in a while.  When we go to Chicago, we usually stay in the city and are back-and-forth between the city and suburbs visiting and catching up with our friends and my family. As much as we annoy each other, I still cried when they left to go home. Jacob finally was starting to come around and like hanging out with his grandparents.

Work was great, no complaints other than some ‘long’ hours like being home 5pm or so.  After 4 solid days of work, I was ready for a day off! I am not the same workaholic I used to be back in the day, pre-Jacob.  Lately, I feel some more internal pressure to work more… especially because coming August, I will go on maternity leave.  (More on that topic later)

Yes, that’s right! It’s time to say it outloud.  I am subconsciously still in shock/denial about this but I am pregnant again. Of course, I am super thrilled and excited. And of course, I am nervous and terrified of what is to come.  Jeff and I told our parents a few weeks ago when they were here for Jacob’s birthday. And next came telling people at work who needed to know in terms of staffing and scheduling.

One of the harder things I had to do was tell my friends who had had miscarriages. In my profession and current place of work, I provide anesthesia for women who need to have procedures for their miscarriages. I feel sad for them, guilty for me and pray that she heals and can get pregnant and have a healthy child in the future.

A few of my friends had undergone miscarriages while I was early in my pregnancy. I was especially sad for them because I knew how much they wanted to have a child. I was also sad for me because it would’ve been fun to be pregnant together. Google helped me realize that perhaps the ‘better’ way is to tell them via email/text so they aren’t forced to see me and process their emotions in front of me.  I read this too late for a few of my friends and I have some anxiety about it but it’s not about me.  I feel guilt and sadness but I’m trying to keep it positive.  I pray for them and their little nuggets in heaven.

My OB says to not compare this pregnancy to the first one but it is so hard not to compare/contrast! I am having more nausea and food apathy than my pregnancy with Jacob. This has me/others wondering if this means this baby is a girl!  We shall see when he/she born to see who was right!  I also have developed a little belly much earlier this go-around than my first. Then again, I was in pretty good shape before I got pregnant with Jacob. This time, not so much. But that’s okay, as long as the baby is healthy!

I’m looking forward to talking openly about this pregnancy and sharing my daily joys and struggles with you all!

It’s been a while since I’ve written… I’ve been planning Jacob’s birthday party, trying to coordinate both parentals’ arrivals and hotel stays, figure out Jacob’s school situation and going to see Open Houses, and working!

Today is Jacob’s birthday but we had his party yesterday. Luckily the weather in San Diego cooperated- sunny, no wind, low tide. You’d think it’d be perfect all the time but the last few weeks were windy, gray, cold, 50s!

The party theme was fishing/tidepool because Jacob loves all things water, fishing, ocean.  The plan was for a relaxed and fun few hours with pizza, Korean food, salad, etc. We were expecting about 35-40 adults (including Jeff and me and our parents) and 10-15 kids around Jacob’s age. Of course, I wanted to make sure we had more than enough food. and boy, did we ever!

It seems no matter my age, I will be annoyed with my parents. I keep thinking and praying, when I will let things roll off my back?  I had my mom order the Korean catered food to help her feel more involved. She misunderstood what I had asked because when I picked up the food, the Kim bap (Korean ‘sushi rolls’ with cooked protein/vegetables) to Mandoo (aka potstickers, gyoza, dumplings) were about 5:1.  People (especially me) LOVE mandoo and can eat 5-10 at once. We had enough for maybe 1 per person. I freaked out and got upset.

Of course, I regretted it later and apologized but why does this vicious cycle always happen? I pray about it and try to work on it. In true melodramatic fashion, I asked, Why is God testing me? But more importantly, why do I keep failing????!?   I MUST work on this while my parents are here with me the next few days.

The party was a hit- the kids had fun tide pooling and playing at the beach. The adults ate a lot of food, drank some mimosas and beer, met new and old friends and saw Jacob be the wild man that he was. I got him a little personal cake so he could blow out the candle himself (he is learning to blow out candles but still manages to include spit with his air) and he devoured the cake! It was a sight to see!

All that running around, juice and sugar didn’t tire him out for his afternoon nap. He was in good spirits all afternoon. We were watching the closing ceremony of the Olympics and he fell asleep in my lap around 5:30pm. I thought he’d wake up at 9pm and then be up forever but luckily he slept through the night until 6am! Lucky us!

We opened the birthday gifts today with the grandparents helping him open and play with the toys. He doesn’t seem to grasp the concept of opening gifts but it was funny to see him lean toward a few favorites.

I can’t believe my little guy is 2 years old already.  Last year’s big 1st birthday was in Chicago so my grandmother could attend the festivities. It made me realize how much I miss her and wish she could see Jacob and how he is growing to be a little man.

Happy Birthday to Jacob!!!

This last week wasn’t a particularly long work week. I’ve been trying to order everything I need to order for Jacob’s birthday party on Etsy before I have to pay for any rush shipping.

In the downtime I’ve had, I’ve also been working on writing another book chapter but it is hard to get the focus and energy to write. It is hard to do anything at home with Jacob. Even with the nanny there, he is stuck to me. I try to leave to get some writing done but it’s hard to find a quiet place to write. My favorite place to write so far is actually the library at my old ‘home’ hospital.

I went back to work at my old ‘home’ hospital these last few weeks to cover for a few people who needed vacation days. I honestly felt like a celebrity! I wondered if this is what Beyonce feels like when people see her- they want to hug her, see how she’s doing, ask to see pictures of their kids, ask why she doesn’t visit more often. It felt wonderful to be back home. I missed the surgeons, the staff, even some of the surgeries and othe overall familiarity of the hospital.  I wondered how it’d be if I were back at that hospital again but then I remember how disruptive the calls/nights of sleeping and working in the hospital were to my sanity and wanting to be home for Jacob.

As I went through the logistics of the party week and day, I wondered, why am I having a party for a 2 year old? He doesn’t have any ‘friends’ or classmates since he’s not in school and we haven’t gone to music class consistently these last few months to make friends with some parents/kids. Sigh. Is it too late to cancel?  (Jeff says it is).  Despite knowing this, I know myself also to know that I’m going to make the best party for him but as low-key as possible. 🙂  2 weeks to go so stay tuned for the final party extravaganza!

I was off Friday and went to lunch and watch a movie with a friend! The nanny needed hours and we have been waiting to see Pitch Perfect 3 so it worked out. In the back of my mind, I felt guilty not working, having the nanny and not spending time with Jacob. The whole point of me working less was in order for me to spend some quality time with Jacob. I decided that unless I have something to do, I was going to give the nanny the day off and spend the day doing something with Jacob. It won’t be long until he’s in school and then I can work or do something else during the day.

I feel guilty about so many things these days- I don’t work enough, I don’t spend enough time with Jacob, I’m running out of ideas on what to feed our little picky eater (Jacob, by the way)… Is there a way for a doctor mom to be able to do it all?  How? Does it get easier? How/does the guilt subside? It is a vicious cycle.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Sunday! I will try to be better about posting more blogs!

This week was a blur! I meant to write earlier on the blog but all of a sudden, it’s Super Bowl Sunday! I was still on island time- Hawaii is 2 hours ahead and Jacob adjusted pretty quickly but Jeff and I didn’t.  I was also used to taking naps when Jacob napped so being at work for the week put a kibosh on daytime naps.

Leaving the house Monday morning was rough. Jacob was sad when he saw our nanny come in Monday morning. He knew what was up. He cried and hung on and inside I felt so awful! I also felt bad for the nanny because she has always had to endure this when Jeff or I (usually I) have to leave for work.

Jacob was happy to be back in his bed and element. He was eating breakfast and meals again and was back to playing with his toys, going to the library for story timee and playing at the beach.

I was off on Friday and had these elaborate plans to work out, write for a few hours, look at a few houses and then head home and give the nanny an early day.  My plan didn’t quite work out that way- there was a slow morning of eating and watching TV with Jacob, I went to write for an hour ish and then went to the open houses. I thought, I could come home and write while Jacob napped.

That plan also backfired because Jacob didn’t want to nap. I went to his room after watching him on the baby monitor for 30 minutes with his eyes open and playing around. I thought I could cuddle with him and we could both nap. When I picked him up, his pant leg was wet so I thought, Oh no, I have to change him. In order to do that, I have to turn the lights on however dimly lit. He had a HUGE poop that approached blowout status so that required a bathroom sink cleaning.

I tried to hold him for a little while, lie with him on the bed but nap time was not in his future. I gave him my phone to watch Nemo while I think I dozed off a little bit.

Usually weekends are full of music class and activities when Jeff is home. He had a little runny nose (thick yellow production) and a cough so we decided against music class. I had a work conference all day Saturday and then a non-optional social at night so I barely got to see Jacob at all Saturday. He and dad had a grand old time hiking Torrey Pines and tide pooling while Mom learned how to be a leader.

Alas, Super Bowl Sunday is here. An excuse to eat bad foods and watch TV for hours. I hope everyone has a delicious and fun Super Bowl Sunday!!