This last week wasn’t a particularly long work week. I’ve been trying to order everything I need to order for Jacob’s birthday party on Etsy before I have to pay for any rush shipping.
In the downtime I’ve had, I’ve also been working on writing another book chapter but it is hard to get the focus and energy to write. It is hard to do anything at home with Jacob. Even with the nanny there, he is stuck to me. I try to leave to get some writing done but it’s hard to find a quiet place to write. My favorite place to write so far is actually the library at my old ‘home’ hospital.
I went back to work at my old ‘home’ hospital these last few weeks to cover for a few people who needed vacation days. I honestly felt like a celebrity! I wondered if this is what Beyonce feels like when people see her- they want to hug her, see how she’s doing, ask to see pictures of their kids, ask why she doesn’t visit more often. It felt wonderful to be back home. I missed the surgeons, the staff, even some of the surgeries and othe overall familiarity of the hospital. I wondered how it’d be if I were back at that hospital again but then I remember how disruptive the calls/nights of sleeping and working in the hospital were to my sanity and wanting to be home for Jacob.
As I went through the logistics of the party week and day, I wondered, why am I having a party for a 2 year old? He doesn’t have any ‘friends’ or classmates since he’s not in school and we haven’t gone to music class consistently these last few months to make friends with some parents/kids. Sigh. Is it too late to cancel? (Jeff says it is). Despite knowing this, I know myself also to know that I’m going to make the best party for him but as low-key as possible. 🙂 2 weeks to go so stay tuned for the final party extravaganza!
I was off Friday and went to lunch and watch a movie with a friend! The nanny needed hours and we have been waiting to see Pitch Perfect 3 so it worked out. In the back of my mind, I felt guilty not working, having the nanny and not spending time with Jacob. The whole point of me working less was in order for me to spend some quality time with Jacob. I decided that unless I have something to do, I was going to give the nanny the day off and spend the day doing something with Jacob. It won’t be long until he’s in school and then I can work or do something else during the day.
I feel guilty about so many things these days- I don’t work enough, I don’t spend enough time with Jacob, I’m running out of ideas on what to feed our little picky eater (Jacob, by the way)… Is there a way for a doctor mom to be able to do it all? How? Does it get easier? How/does the guilt subside? It is a vicious cycle.
I hope everyone has a wonderful Sunday! I will try to be better about posting more blogs!
