I left my home group/hospital last January so I could join the ‘outpatient’ group where I could make my own schedule and not take call, weeknights, overnights. It has been working very well this past year and I could not be happier.
Unfortunately, today, was not one of those days. I left for work at 6:30am and Jacob was asleep. As I was finishing my case and looking at the clock, I knew I wasn’t going to make it home before his bedtime. I left at 8:30pm and cried on the drive home. It’s not easy to drive home with tears clouding your vision. I had to pull it together but tears still streamed down my face. I got home at 9pm and Jacob was fast asleep.
Rationally, I knew I spent most of my day with Jacob yesterday. I also knew that in over a year, I’ve missed Jacob’s bedtime less than five times. My husband has missed his bedtime several times and he doesn’t come home grumpy and in tears. I tried to check my emotions but I can blame it on hunger, dehydration, hormones and just my usual self.
Speaking of my usual self, I peeked in the nanny/security cam to see what Jacob was up to. When I saw him at 6pm, he was standing in front of the TV watching a show I had never seen before and the nanny was sitting at the dining table folding laundry. I watched/listened for a few minutes (seemed like hours) and she sat there, he stood there and all I heard was TV. I texted her to remind her to please engage with him and if she’s doing things like fold laundry (which I appreciate), please be near him so he’s not by himself. I didn’t want to outrightly say ‘please don’t have the TV babysit him so you can do chores’ though that’s what I meant!
Jeff reminded me.. that she worked a 12+ hour day and that when he saw him and the nanny playing earlier, she was playing with him and Jacob was all smiles. Sigh. So I sent an apology text and said I appreciated her hard work and am aware she cares for Jacob and does her best with him. I acted quickly out of frustration and emotion. Can I blame the hormones again? I’m not sure…
I came home, ate a lot because I was hungry.. salad, rotisserie chicken, rice/soy sauce/sesame seed oil and seaweed. I’m catching up on ‘The Voice’ and staring at the baby monitor. I shouldn’t complain about my work situation and missing one day/night of Jacob’s day. How do you working mamas/dads help yourself feel better when you miss your kids all day?