I dreaded my post-miscarriage OB visit. This appointment was initially supposed to be a 9 week follow-up ultrasound and prenatal visit. But because of the miscarriage, my OB wanted me to keep the appointment for a wellness check instead.
I was recovering okay… I wasn’t as tearful anymore randomly or at work. The bleeding stopped after a week ish. Heck, the heaviest bleeding was still lighter than my postpartum periods. I tried not to think about the miscarriage or any babies. To be completely honest, I didn’t want to go into the waiting room to see a handful of pregnant ladies knowing that that could’ve been me. But I also knew that it was time to be a big girl and face the music. My OB has always been awesome to me/us and I didn’t want to just blow things off. Why not talk about how I’m doing? Sure, what’s another couple hundred dollars for me to meet my deductible?
I brought both kids w me. I wanted my OB and OB team to see the kiddos and it’d be a distraction and reminder of how awesome/lucky I am to have these two amazing healthy kids.
These last few weeks had me focused on getting to a place of gratitude. I had two natural, easy, healthy pregnacies and two wonderful healthy, kicka$$ sons. I never had to experience a sadness like a miscarriage before my ripe age of 39. And also, how ‘lucky’ was I that the pregnancy was early enough that at least I didn’t have more time and a heartbeat to which I could become too attached (literally and figuratively).
So the questions arose: Do I (Jeff says he is ambivalent) want a third child? What would life be like with a third child? Professionally, physically, emotionally, financially… That was a decision only I could make.
My OB visit left me in a whirlwind of decisions. My OB is pretty conservative and he voiced his concerns for risk of chromosomal abnormalities in my geriatric age. I know the risks, I have friends who’ve had miscarriages for this, I provide anesthesia for women who need dilation and curettage or evacuation (abortions) because of abnormalities… My pregnancy was probably a chromosomal abnormality. I know I would not want to be in a position where I’d want to miscarry again or have to make any kind of decision of that nature …
So then the next question: What do we do for birth control? I respond, Abstinence. and the only one who’s laughing at my semi-joke is me. Deep down, I am wholeheartedly aware that 2 is wonderful for me and our life is full and crazy as it is. I was happy w NuvaRing since I’d used it for years so I figure I was going to use that again. My OB did mention there could be side effects from the estrogen. He said the IUD was a great option – the Mirena, w low progesterone, office procedure, no more periods, easy peasy. I know many friends who are happy w it. I said, I’ll stick with NuvaRing and if I end up deciding on an IUD, I’ll call. Also, if we do decide to get pregnant in the future, IUD can be removed and we can try. But, if I want a third kid, I need to take action if that is the case.
So while I’m still trying to get my heart to meet my head, we had a vacation week to Pennsylvania for our anniversary trip. Our in-laws were supposed to come for Easter to see the boys but we were all sick with fever, cough, and badness so we decided to try to keep everyone healthy and postponed their trip. They haven’t seen the boys since Christmas- Cameron was a smilier, more interactive and crawling baby; Jacob was a chattier cathy with a love of all things trains and planes.
While preparing and packing for this trip, I wondered, OMG, what if I were still pregnant and what would it be like to travel with 3 kids? Packing for me alone takes days to prepare- lists on top of lists, last-minute ordering of things on Amazon and trips to Target, outlining the itinerary and timing when we need to leave, etc. As I prepared both kids’ clothes, snacks, etc. I knew that this was hard enough as it was. Traveling with children is a lot of work- germs, waiting to get on/off, I don’t know… So, I was not looking forward to the travel aspect.
Eating out with 2 young kids makes me also realize how tough it is to take care of myself. I loooove food and I love to eat. Usually, Mom doesnt get to eat first/relaxed because she is taking care of the little ones. There’s potty breaks, trying to get them to sit at the table while everyone else eats, bedtimes around the corner, the clock is ticking!
After only the first travel leg where my #2 slept and #1 was delirious with excitement to be on a plane and then from lack of napping, I decided to call my OB first thing Tuesday morning to schedule an IUD.
This might be an asshole, non-Motherly, selfish thing to say. Being a Mom is not all about the fresh new baby smell, breastfeeding, milestones, etc. We/I am responsible for shaping their personalities, education, disposition so they are decent human beings!! Why/how am I just realizing this now?!? There is so much work and pressure! And as much as I love my two boys, I do miss some of the things I used to do freely when I was sans dependents- my previous prebaby body, time, exercise, and let’s not forget sleep. Being a mom of 2 is hard enough. I wish I could be an easygoing, carefree, helicopter, awesome Mom… but w my personality, work, life, I know 3 will push me. I can barely handle taking 2 kids out by myself… How would I survive w 3?!?! Sure, I could do it, but would I truly be able to enjoy it?? I’m not sure…
It’s okay to judge. It’s okay to say I’m a selfish asshole. But I know my limits. I want to enjoy my time as a Mom/wife/friend without always feeling guilty/pressured to do something related to being a Mom. I want to eat/pee/sleep/watch my TV shows someday. When I see couples/friends without kids, I can understand!
Am I the only mom who sometimes feels this way? I’d love to hear how you and other families can find that me time/work-life balance with however number of children you have.